Love Until it Hurts!

Our family from October to January

From 1992 to 2004, Daryl and I were foster parents in Ohio.  During those years, we took 23 foster children into our home.  They ranged from 2 weeks old to 16 years old.  Some of them stayed with us for as long as 2-3 ½ years, before going back home or going to live with family members, or in 2 cases, being adopted.  During those years, we were told quite a few times by well-meaning friends, “I’m glad that you can do that.  I could never do that because I would love them too much.  It would hurt too badly when they leave.”  Well…that is exactly the kind of love that they need and deserve.  The kind of love that hurts you when they leave.  The kind of love that breaks your heart when they have to say good-bye.  If you don’t love enough that it hurts deeply, then you don’t love enough.

We experienced that hurt many times over those years.  But we kept loving…and they kept leaving…we kept hurting...and we kept loving again.  That is how we knew that we were loving like we should. 

Well, now we are experiencing hurt again.  Only this time it is not because a foster child moved on to another home.  It is because a beautiful baby girl that had no other earthly home moved on to her Heavenly home. 

Esperanza with her favorite dog, Bubbles

We first met Esperanza (Spanish word for Hope) on September 13, 2013.   We were told that her mother abandoned her at birth, and that she was found in the trash.  They said that she had special needs, that she had Cloverhead, and her hands and feet were deformed.  We were so unprepared for what we would find lying in that hospital crib.  We were introduced to a nameless, 7 lb, 4 month old baby girl.  Her enlarged head was literally the shape of a clover, and of her tiny 7 pound body, we believe that 4 of those pounds were her head.  Her body was skin-and-bones.  She had no eyes.  Her outer ears were mis-shapen, mis-placed, and no hole leading into an inner ear.  Her knees and elbows were locked at a 90 degree angle.  Most of her fingers had no joints.  We later found out that her inside organs were flipped.  We knew immediately that she did not have long to live.  This sweet, sweet baby had so many strikes against her that we were overwhelmed with the thought of caring for her.  In those first few hours (and days), two questions kept going through my head.   How can we adequately care for this little girl?  And...How am I falling in love with her so quickly?

That first day, Brittney (our oldest daughter) said, “We get the privilege of carrying her to the arms of Jesus!”  And, oh, what a privilege that has been!  What an honor!  Why did God choose us to be the family for this very special possession of His?  I like to think it is because He knew that we would love her until it hurts.  He knew that we had a big, loving family and several loving nannies in our home…lots of people to love and love and love on this beautiful gift of God…that we would love her so much that it would hurt like crazy when she would leave.  Because that is the kind of love that she needed and deserved.

This past Sunday night, Carissa had “Esperanza duty”…night duty to

Daddy's "Little Clover Angel"

feed, change, care for Esperanza and any other of the children who wake up.  At 4:30 in the morning, I awoke and saw that the living room light was on, so I went out to check on Carissa and Esperanza…knowing that our sweet little one had not been doing well the last few days.  I found them both wide awake sitting in the rocker/recliner.  Carissa told me that she had not even tried to go to sleep yet.  She said, “I am worried about Esperanza.  And I don’t know how many more nights she has with us, so I just wanted to stay awake and hold her.”  Little did she know what a special gift and blessing that was to Esperanza, to us, and to herself.  That was Esperanza’s last night to be with us in this life.  The next morning, while Krishauna was feeding our little angel her last bottle, Esperanzita (as we so lovingly called her) talked and cooed to Krishauna in such a sweet way.  At the end of her bottle, Krishauna brought her to me in the office, and I held her while working on my computer.  Again, our precious little girl talked and cooed to Daryl and me.  She sounded so happy and content.  After a while, I  put her down in her baby seat to finish her nap.  And she finished her nap quite well.  During her sleep, she slipped away to her eternal and perfect home.

Doing back exercises with Kristin and Kimmie

What a joy!  What a privilege!  What an honor it was…to carry her to the arms of Jesus!

But does it hurt?  Terribly!  Are our hearts broken?  Yes!  Do we cry over and over?  Yes we do! Does that mean we loved her too much?  Not at all!  That means we loved her just like God asked us to.  (I believe I remember God saying something about caring for the orphans…)  Just like she deserved.  Just like she needed.  Just like EVERY child deserves and needs.  Would I do it again, knowing everything that I know now?  Knowing the hurt that we would have to endure?  Of course I would!  I wouldn’t give up these last 4 months for anything! 

God loves until it hurts.  And we are called to love others until it hurts.

  

 Psalm 139:13-18

New International Version (NIV)

^"For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

    How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

    they would outnumber the grains of sand;

    when I awake, I am still with you."

We miss you, Esperanza!

And we love you so much 

that it hurts...deeply!

But we are so happy for you...

that you are now in the 

arms of Jesus!